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Old 06-19-2017, 02:46 AM   #1
havasu
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Default Common Tools and Their Uses

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS
Used to partially round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after Channel Locks to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also (as with the Table Saw) excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the **** you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at delayed fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can stich up the damage.

SON OF A ***** TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 06-19-2017, 11:26 AM   #2
oldognewtrick
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Its good to know I've been using all these tools correctly. Espicially the last one.....
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Old 06-19-2017, 03:34 PM   #3
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I love that last tool, especially that it will be the next one that you'll need.
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